WHEN YOUR BEST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
I lay on my bed, face up to the ceiling, eyes shut, knees to my chest, trying to quiet the noise inside my head.
I’d just swept through our home, making sure to nip any chaos in the bud; Baby Huru was playing, happily, under the watchful eye of the nanny. My husband was having a meal and catching up on a TV series. For a moment, all was well, under my obsessive-compulsive eye anyway.
I took a moment to lay in the quiet of the room, curtains drawn, shutting out a beautiful day, while doubt and anxiety clouded my mind.
I’d returned to work from maternity leave and while the first few weeks had gone well, about a month in, I began to crumble, ever so slightly, under the pressure of the balancing act – wife, mother, employee. I was struggling to reign in all those roles at the same time, but reprimanded myself for struggling at all! Our mothers did it, correct? They survived, did they not? They seemed fine! Why, then, was I beginning to feel like an infinite failure? The harder I tried to have things fall in place, the home, the workers, my husband, our baby, my work, my projects, my passions…the more defeated I felt. Feel.
Four months in, it’s a crash course that continues to test my limits, all the while asking more of me, when all I want, I can’t quite seem to have right now, at least not all at once. More time with my baby, more opportunities to spend time with the people I love, a chance to learn something new, to grow my passion projects…the list goes on. Somehow I can see these things in the horizon, but I think that season is yet to come.
They don’t take you to school to learn this, to learn about transitions and taking on all these multiple roles. You don’t learn it in a classroom. If you’re lucky enough to have the guiding hand of a present guardian, your mother, your aunties, an older, wiser friend, thats as close as you get to going to this multifaceted school called womanhood.
I’m more anxious now than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve somewhat shut the world out, momentarily, to figure out my head space. I don’t really expect people to understand this, only my nearest and dearest. Sometimes I don’t think this is a bad thing, as long as you don’t seclude yourself to such an unhealthy level. Your friends and family should keep you in check and call you out when you need to get out of hibernation mode.
Prayer has also given me a lot of perspective, but I can’t say I pray as confidently as I ought to. I’m a struggling Christian, meaning that I can’t do anything without praying about it, but even before my Maker, I feel like I fall short, that maybe, just maybe, God needs more from me and that I’m letting Him down.
I’ve decided to take stock of what I should really be focussing on and come up with some kind of system to allow me to better spread out my roles. I’ve only just started this exercise and I hope it restores some of my sanity, soon! For now, I’ll take life a moment at a time, a task at a time…and perhaps try not be so hard on myself, no? Yes. To better days!
Photography: @OliveNdungutse (Facebook)
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Necklace: @Fab_U_lush (Instagram)
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