I lay on my bed, face up to the ceiling, eyes shut, knees to my chest, trying to quiet the noise inside my head.
I’d just swept through our home, making sure to nip any chaos in the bud; Baby Huru was playing, happily, under the watchful eye of the nanny. My husband was having a meal and catching up on a TV series. For a moment, all was well, under my obsessive-compulsive eye anyway.
I took a moment to lay in the quiet of the room, curtains drawn, shutting out a beautiful day, while doubt and anxiety clouded my mind.
I’d returned to work from maternity leave and while the first few weeks had gone well, about a month in, I began to crumble, ever so slightly, under the pressure of the balancing act – wife, mother, employee. I was struggling to reign in all those roles at the same time, but reprimanded myself for struggling at all! Our mothers did it, correct? They survived, did they not? They seemed fine! Why, then, was I beginning to feel like an infinite failure? The harder I tried to have things fall in place, the home, the workers, my husband, our baby, my work, my projects, my passions…the more defeated I felt. Feel.
Four months in, it’s a crash course that continues to test my limits, all the while asking more of me, when all I want, I can’t quite seem to have right now, at least not all at once. More time with my baby, more opportunities to spend time with the people I love, a chance to learn something new, to grow my passion projects…the list goes on. Somehow I can see these things in the horizon, but I think that season is yet to come.
They don’t take you to school to learn this, to learn about transitions and taking on all these multiple roles. You don’t learn it in a classroom. If you’re lucky enough to have the guiding hand of a present guardian, your mother, your aunties, an older, wiser friend, thats as close as you get to going to this multifaceted school called womanhood.
I’m more anxious now than I’ve been in a long time. I’ve somewhat shut the world out, momentarily, to figure out my head space. I don’t really expect people to understand this, only my nearest and dearest. Sometimes I don’t think this is a bad thing, as long as you don’t seclude yourself to such an unhealthy level. Your friends and family should keep you in check and call you out when you need to get out of hibernation mode.
Prayer has also given me a lot of perspective, but I can’t say I pray as confidently as I ought to. I’m a struggling Christian, meaning that I can’t do anything without praying about it, but even before my Maker, I feel like I fall short, that maybe, just maybe, God needs more from me and that I’m letting Him down.
I’ve decided to take stock of what I should really be focussing on and come up with some kind of system to allow me to better spread out my roles. I’ve only just started this exercise and I hope it restores some of my sanity, soon! For now, I’ll take life a moment at a time, a task at a time…and perhaps try not be so hard on myself, no? Yes. To better days!
Photography: @OliveNdungutse (Facebook)
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32 comments
Rhyet
April 12, 2016 at 8:07 am
Nice piece
Maryanne Nyambura
April 12, 2016 at 8:27 am
Every step you take is guided by God.All in all,you are a strong lady.Nice piece.
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 9:08 am
Thank you Maryanne ☺️ Step at a time!
Nj
April 12, 2016 at 8:56 am
yes,to better days Janet
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 9:07 am
Absolutely! Thanks for reading my post
Simplysiro
April 12, 2016 at 9:16 am
We all have our moments of been overwhelmed, but getting through them makes you feel like you have conquered and you will Janet with time:)
http://simplysiro.com/
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 9:42 am
Thanks Mich! I really believe I will! Thanks for reading my post
SugarPuss
April 12, 2016 at 10:04 am
You took the words right out of my mouth. Am still on maternity leave and am struggling to accept the changes. I still want to maintain the same energy in keeping up with my relationships, marriage, work, passions, spirituality and it’s frustrating when I fail at some or all of them. Glad to know it’s seasonal and most women go thru it.
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 10:37 am
Thank you for relating to the post! It can get very overwhelming but as you’ve put it, it’s a season. This too shall pass! Keep reading my posts ☺️
Muthoni
April 12, 2016 at 10:33 am
It happens to the best of us Janet. That’s why it’s important to take a step back and take stock of what is really important! http://www.treatsonabudget.co.ke/
Bilhah
April 12, 2016 at 10:54 am
With time things will fall back into place,for now try not be so hard on yourself…and try letting God take control you will be amazed at how wonderful He does it!!
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 11:49 am
Thank you for your words of encouragement Bilhah! Yes I believe it’ll all work itself out. And yes, God first ??
Ruth wachira
April 12, 2016 at 1:18 pm
Wow! Janet, reading your post, I’m consoled by knowing that for sure I am very normal. I used to beat myself very hard for feeling overwhelmed and would conclude that I’m not strong enough. However, i resolved that by taking it easy and going step by step. Eventually things started falling into place and I enjoy all I handle.
You too take it easy and go step by step and things will fall into place ?
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 4:38 pm
Thank you so much Ruth! Yeah, we’re hard on ourselves but in the end we need to remember that we’re human. We’re doing the best we can. Cheers mama!
beatrice melly
April 12, 2016 at 2:01 pm
Quite encouraging… may you be blessed with many more days Janet to inspire many
Janet Mbugua
April 12, 2016 at 4:37 pm
Thank you Beatrice ??
Grace
April 12, 2016 at 9:58 pm
I just love how REAL and open you are regardless of the vulnerability of ‘exposing’ yourself as a media personality.
One might very easily assume that you have it all together, I mean: a pretty decent job, a cute little family, finances and your celebrity status….but you bring out the fact that it’s not always rosey up there.
I learn alot from your posts. You are beautiful in and out.
Ps: Please be writing more often 🙂
Mary Mwadime
April 13, 2016 at 9:09 am
Yes to better days Janet . You are always inspiring. Be blessed abudantly
gladys chepkoech
April 13, 2016 at 11:12 am
You are indeed a strong woman.i always follow your post on IG.and everything that comes up about you..you are my mentor and I love you so much. And I would love to meet you one day I do admire you so much. God will always guide you.
Janet Mbugua
April 13, 2016 at 11:18 am
I appreciate your kind words and support, dear.
Dorothy Matheka Kirui
April 13, 2016 at 6:53 pm
very beautiful and sincere. I struggled too and still struggle to juggle all three roles but take it a day at a time and celebrate every milestone. All the best my dear.
Janet Mbugua
April 13, 2016 at 8:11 pm
Great to hear that Dorothy! It’s encouraging to see that so many of us out there are on the same journey and doing the best we can. Keep going!
Annie
April 13, 2016 at 7:44 pm
You could be a stay at home mum you know. Your primary responsibility is to your baby who u brought into the world.. let ur hubby do the providing..in a few years baby huru will be going to school and u can get back to work.. having not missed the most significant time in ur baby’s life in the name of career..
Janet Mbugua
April 13, 2016 at 8:10 pm
I’ll have to disagree with you. I’m not lamenting about balancing it all out, I’m saying it can get overwhelming even though I know it’s for a season. I’m sure many women would like to be stay at home Mums but sometimes circumstances don’t allow for that. Doesn’t mean we don’t weather the trying times and grow as we do so. Thanks!
Ivy Koome
April 15, 2016 at 8:36 am
Wow. I love how real you are. Quite inspiring
Janet Mbugua
April 15, 2016 at 8:46 am
Thank tou Ivy ☺️ sometimes being vulnerable allows you to reach deep within you to try and better navigate the hills and valleys that are part of life!
ZAINA
April 17, 2016 at 11:56 am
honest piece! a quick question….when you were at school and the time table read it was time for a biology lesson….what learning materials did you bring out????
I believe you got out the mathematical set…..!
NOPE……okay.
let this be the same case as you attend to your various duties…
just like how you give it your all when reading news(well composed,that warm smile…on point,You make me want to watch news hata kama nisha soma kwa Internet)
when its time to spend with Huru dont even think of Baba Huru..let him sort himself out,
when its time to be a wife dont think of the unfinished assignment that you have to deliver to your editor,
YES..they say we are able to multitask and the results are always perfect (just like your case..we saw that you got it all under control) but most of the time we came out extremy worn out. soooo to restore SANITY usifanye homework ya mathematics saa ya biology. YOU are BLESSED.
Janet Mbugua
April 17, 2016 at 4:38 pm
Hey Zaina! Interesting comment and interesting perspective ? I liked your comparison to Math and Biology! Yes I believe that everything has its own time but multitasking is often unavoidable. All the same, something to think about…Thanks for reading and commenting on my post!
Njeri
June 7, 2016 at 6:47 pm
You are a strong woman Janet, I look up to you.I like how real you are and am sure you’ll figure things out. one step at a time
munene
June 25, 2016 at 9:51 pm
You are so real. Keep on keeping on
Lilly
December 5, 2016 at 11:08 am
Love your honest thoughts Janet. The act of balancing is delicate but God’s grace is sufficient and his strength made perfect when we are weak. Out here you inspire so many women including myself keep doing what you are doing live a moment at a time. Love and Blessings
Njesh
December 5, 2016 at 2:40 pm
As a first time Mummy, you will feel like so many things are happening at a fast rate..Its a new season for you..as a MOM, You’ll get to understand that even though people prepare you for these changes, getting to go through them makes it easy for you. God gives us grace to do so much especially us Moms!
You’ve done so well…God bless you.